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www.coachingwithjanel.com
Transform Your Story Podcast - Episode 8: Together Again - February 2025
Janel: We talked about, you know, safety and relationships and autism and understanding our story and all that kind of stuff a year ago. Where are we today?
Janel voiceover: [music] Welcome to Transform Your Story. Iâm Janel Guevara. My clients call me their fairy godmother, but actually, Iâm a life coach with a love of words and the women who use them.
Janel voiceover: Join me and my daughters as we have honest conversations on writing, life, and redeeming Happily Ever After in the shadows of the stories we never expected to tell. We recount our experiences as a way to help you see yours in a new light.
Janel voiceover: From content creation to defining your audience and niche, we break down the process into simple steps with practical application. That allows us to nurture hope from ashes, so you can too. Letâs transform your story. [music ends]
Janel: I will open up, weâll give this thing a whirl. I donât feel anywhere near as anxious as I did last time when we sat down to do this. Soâ
Melinda: I think we're over that at this point. We're just like, life is chaos and we no longer care.
Ariana: Life is like a box of chocolates. It gives you allergy attacks and bad things in your stomach. [laugh]
Janel: And that right there, [laughter] weâll just run with that.
Janel: Hey, welcome back! This is Janel Guevara, and Iâm here with my daughters Melindaâ
Melinda: Oh hi.
Janel: Arianaâ
Melinda: I wasnât expecting you to do that. Sorry, I forgot youâwe do that every time! I feel like we need to change that up.
Janel: A year later and recording a new podcast, I guess some things never change. We just watched Pitch Perfect the other day, the very first one where she's trying to teach them to put all their hands, and like âon three!â They never get it. This is our Pitch Perfect moment. But anyways, everybody else, hey welcome back. This is a fresh podcast recorded in February of 2025. The first few podcasts were basically recorded a year previous to release. So I thought it would be fantastic to go back and just say, hey this is where we are a year later. This is what we learned. This is what's changed in our life. Whatâs updated. How we see the things that we talked about a year ago. You know new, and different, and updated, and perspective. And so I thought that that's what we talk about today.
Janel: So I can talk a book because I feel like I have grown exponentially in the last year and figured things out. I knew theories for some things last year, and I was still chewing âem. But this year? It's like âoh that's what that is.â For me to go back and edit the podcast to its final edits and cuts in the last couple of weeks has been really interesting to listen and go âoh wow, I said this, or one of the girls said this, and then it was like wow, I understand this so much more clearly.â
Janel: So I just thought it would be neat to catch up. Do either one of you want to share some of the things we talked about last year and how do you view them differently, or see them differently this year.
Ariana: No, but we have faster internet now so the audio should be better.
Janel: Yes, yes we do.
Melinda: Silver lining. Silver lining.
Janel: Yes. Yes it is. That said, Melinda is sitting in her car waiting for children. So we're still doing a little bit crazy but we catch as catch can and honestly I didn't think we would get to record this episode for another month because Melinda is in the midst of moving. So lifeâ
Melinda: Thatâs putting it mildly.
Janel: [laugh] Weâll leave it at that. Thatâs a whole episode for another day. So how do you guysâI mean we spent a lot of time on the first six podcasts talking about understanding our story, knowing our story, safety, how that looks. Understanding things about our life and our story that we didn't see before change us and just really give us a fresh perspective and how we see and understand and perceive the things that have happened to us. Plus also how to deal with the same kind of thing that comes around. What do you guys think? Do you feel like you have a better understanding of safety and what it looks like? Something that we talked about last time that you understand and see differently or experience differently.
Melinda: I don't know about safety-wise. I definitely feel like with the circumstances in my life, things have been separated out for me. To the point where now I can turn to people and actually be like âYeah, no. Nope.â And I don't even feel bad about it. And that'sâwell, I do panic about it later. I still can't go up to something planning to be firm. Like hold the firm boundary. I can't plan that. But if someone pushes on a boundary that I donât feel like dealing with, I will turn that electric fence on and just be like âyeah no.â And thatâs different.
Janel: Do you feel like thatâs a huge moment of growth for you or a huge place of growth?
Melinda: Yes, and I feel like I couldn't have gotten there without havingâLike you canât do that unless you have this safety somewhere else to do that. Like if that's the only environment that you're in, with this person that just constantly walks all over you and then you actually are able to leave the environment, and be in an environment with someone that doesn't do that, and then you go back to that person that was walking all over you, and they try to and walk all over you again and like guilt trip you about it, and you're just like âNo! No. That's⊠No.â
Janel: I think that's terrific. Yeah, I've been playing along at home in Oregon, across the country, and hearing some of the things that Melindaâs experienced, and I notice. Even if she doesn't, and it feels insane because sheâs dealing with other kinds of things in her life than she was a year ago. I love it because I do see how she's been able to stand up for herself in places where I know a year ago that it just wouldn't have been the case. Soâ
Melinda: Yeah, when people tell you to like âyou gotta stand up for yourself!â You can't do that all at once. You're not gonna go having someone walk all over you and disrespect your boundaries and blah blah blah, and just basically being a general jerk face, you're not gonna suddenly turn around to that person and put up a full done wall. Like you're not. You cannot build the wall of China overnight. Itâs little spaces. Then they're gonna retaliate, and you're gonna have to put up a new wall. Thatâs pretty much how the wall of China got built, I think. They kept adding on to that bitch.
Janel: [laugh]
Melinda: They were like âoh theyâre coming in over here now. The endâ
Janel: [laugh] And it got longer and longer and higher and stronger. And that's a really good point. I do think that that's kind of how we heal and how we take back our story and our lives. It really is little by little by little by little. And, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day. And yeah no. It really isn't. Just for me, you know, talking about that and thinking about the other concepts that I have learned in this past year, and it reallyâit's little by little. It's like a little pieceâyou know we talked a lot about puzzle pieces on one of the earlier podcasts. But it really is, you know, just because we have a piece doesn't mean we know where it fit.
Melinda: Just because you connected all the border piece does not mean you're done with your puzzle.
Janel: Oh, a hundred percent.
Melinda: You still gotta fill in the middle. It's always the harder part. Likeâ
Janel: [laugh] Particularly whenâ
Melinda: Thereâs no flat edge to go by. Damn.
Janel: [laugh] No, there is no flat edge. Oh gosh. How about you Ana? Do you have anything you want to share? How you feel like you have engaged the world differently in the last year. It doesn't have to just be with safety or boundaries or whatever but just how you feel like you engage the world differently.
Ariana: I was thinking about what she said like it doesnât all happen at once. And I was thinking about characters in books. I'm like yeah, itâs not like a book where you have a little training montage and then yay everything's better and we can save the world. Itâs a process.
Melinda: It doesnât even work like that in books either because they have a little training montage and then they go to fight the battle and then usually everything goes to hell.
Ariana: Yeah, it's like this, um, oh gosh. So I've been listening to Brandon Sandersonâs likeâI don't know that either of you guys know who he is, butâ
Melinda: I know who he is! Is he good? I feel like I sent you a link the other day to his YouTube writing masterclass.
Ariana: Yeah, he doing like writingâA lot of people really appreciate his teaching and stuff about writing. Anyway, he has a concept of, like he talks about the try-fail cycle when you're talking about characters. If a character is gonna do something, they need to fail first. Like once or twice or three times, doesn't matter how many times. They need to fail first. And then they can succeed. And itâs just all that much more satisfying for the characters to succeed if they fail. So unless, I meanâ
Melinda: Nobody likes the prick that gets everything handed to them.
Ariana: Right? I could go on a tangent about, I actually wanted to talk about that. But this is not relevant to the conversation. But yeah, it's really interesting. It's not that easy to heal and to stand up for yourself and to feel safe. It takes a lot of, I donât know, processing to understand what you don't understand. Because it's like if you don't even have a grasp on the concepts? Like, youâre raised, like Melinda talked about on the one episode, if youâre a frog in a muddy pond, you can't understand, even grasp, the concept of a clean pond, âcause youâre like âthat's crazy, what are you even talking about?â And so it does take time and, you know, a clean pond every once in awhile. Maybe pour a little clean water in the pond, and youâre like, âhey, this is different. This is weird.â And it just takes time. Itâs not like whim-bam-boom, super easy.
Janel: Oh God that it would be.
Ariana: I wish.
Janel: [laugh]
Ariana: I wish man.
Janel: See and I look at that thinking about how many times that I've tried and failed to learn or do or understand a concept. And what's been hard for me about the learning and the growing and the building the walls, and standing up and creating the boundaries, is realizing I actually had healthy boundaries in some places, but what happened is some person who wanted to take advantage of me, crossed those boundariesâ
Melidna: Took the fence down.
Janel: Oh yeah, theyâre likeâ
Ariana: Tell you youâre outrageous for having those boundaries, and you're like âoh, well, maybe it was being unreasonable.â
Janel: âAm I being unreasonable?â Then to unroll it all out and figure out and untie. And it's like wait a minute, Iâm not the bad guy. You were the one that was trying to push me and made me do something that made me uncomfortable and it was kind of like you know, death by a thousand cuts.
Melinda: People breaking your boundaries is like when a neighbor takes down your fence because they say you built it on their property.
Janel: And when in reality, not only do you own the property that's in question, you own like 100 feet on the other side of that and they were just encroaching. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And itâs so
Ariana: Weâve been through a similar situation. [laugh] Like actually.
Melinda: Toxic relationships are like nightmare neighbors.
Janel: Thatâs not untrue. Yeah no, we literally had the neighbor put up a fence where we thought the boundary was.
Ariana: Well, he crossed over the line where we told him that the property line was, and he crossed over on our side. When we got the survey done, we found out the line was in a different place completely, but the point was we told him where the property line was, or where we thought it was, and he was like âeh, whatever.â
Janel: He put it, and then realized that there was an issue, then got it surveyed and was like âoh we were both wrong.â So, you know that happens. I think in healthy relationships, I think sometimes that's what happens. We think there's a boundary on our side and somebody else thinks that boundary is there, but in reality we're both kind of realized that we need to adjust. But in toxic or abusive relationships, you know sometimes we do have boundaries but people violate it by just nudging on the fence a little bit and just moving us and moving us just a little bit out of our comfort. Just a little more out of our comfort zone. Just ehh. And pretty soon you know we've lost who we are and what we were thinking about.
Janel: So yes reclaiming some of those boundaries and those borders and the understanding of what it's supposed to look like has been really a big thing for me this year. Not just understanding it in theory, but actually going âoh that in my life? That's what that was? That's a boundary violation. That's a place where I actually feel really passionate about but was afraid to speak up because I had been shamed or abused or manipulated around that boundary.â
Janel: I stumbled upon BrenĂ© Brownâs TED Talk on vulnerability from like 14 years ago and I'm like, how did I miss this in all the research that I did. And so for the last several weeks, I have been exploring, reading, and looking at research on shame and vulnerability and wholeheartedness. Melindaâs in the midst of moving so I have not gotten to express all of that. So she has not gotten the benefit of my current research project on shame and vulnerability and how much it fits in with everything that we were talking about last year. It's kind of amazing.
Melinda: [inaudible]
Janel: Donât you worry, youâll have some Marco Polos on this as soon as I feel like you have the headspace.
Melinda: Me and Ana are just the guinea pigs for Janel. âCause Ana and I are really more fiction people, and Janel read all this nonfiction stuff, and she comes up with all this research and then she basically just like meat churns it into our brains. Just like âno you must process thisâ because she translates it intoâshe seasons it so it tastes yummy insteadâah, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. That's Janelâs style right there. Because Janelâs tried so many times. So many many times to be like âyou should really read this book! It will really help you!â and I'm like, no, but it won't because there's no dopamine in that book. Even if it would really help me, my brain is physically not going to process it. Even if I wanted to learn it, my brain is not going to process that information because nobodyâs getting stabbed or naked. And nobody has magic powers. None of my brain cells care. They're like, âno no we're not getting out of bed for that.â
Janel: [laugh] Itâs so funny because Anaâs over here, until Melinda said naked, sheâs over here shaking her head in agreement and laughing. Not only do I have to understand it, but if I continue to help them heal, and even with my coaching material and my programs and stuff, itâs like I need to be able to explain this. It's not enough for me to simply understand how shame has impacted my life, and how my vulnerability has been used against me, and whatever. But I have to be able to put it into language that these two understand. But then once I do, it's like âoh wow!â It really helps me to take it to the next level of what I understand. Then I write about it and it just clicks for me in a new way. And then itâs like taking it from theory to application. Thank God my new therapist, she [laughter] appreciates this is the way that Ana and Melinda donât.
Ariana: [inaudible] spark notesâ
Melinda: She speaks the non-translated language.
Janel: Yeah. What were you going to say?
Ariana: The SparkNotes are useful sometimes.
Janel: Yeah okay. [laugh] They get the SparkNotes. And I share the SparkNotes with you. But yeah. It has been a wild journey. It's interesting because I've been doing a lot of research, particularly in the last year, about high control religious trauma recovery. And I understood the theory about shame, but until I started reading BrenĂ© Brownâs research and listening to her speak on it, it did not become practical. But she actually provides tangible examples of whatâs shame and how it manifests in our day-to-day life. I think that has been a big impact on each of us. I mean, I know here. But then I think about the clients that I've worked with and deep down they have internalized shame as well. When you're driven by shame, versus authenticity, that's huge.
Ariana: And I can second this as someone who's only gotten the SparkNotes. It's crazy. [laugh] Like she talked about that and I'm like âhm, interesting.â And I just started thinking about it, and looking at my own life and the concepts of what people talk about in their lives and stuff like that. Shame is everywhere man. We live in a shame-based society. They're just like, âyou know what, let's just control everything.â
Melinda: Puritan.
Ariana: Everything is about shame and control. It's insane. If you don't think it's there in your life, it is. I can assure you. Even if you have the most mild, healthy, happy life or something, there's gotta be somewhere. There's somewhere that something about you has been shamed. It's everywhere. It's like rooted into the depths of our culture.
Janel: Right. Well, and one thing that BrenĂ© Brown talks about is being vulnerable. And in order to be creative, you must be vulnerable. But you also have people who have trouble being vulnerable is because they have been shamed for their vulnerability. Itâs like this vicious, vicious cycle that you can't have one without the other. And it's changed my understanding of the lessons that I've been trying to learn and how it's connected into my story and everything that I've known about my story.
Janel: So if you had one take away from the last year. The thing that encapsulates most of the things that you've learned in the last year.
Ariana: Does it have to be related?
Janel: Absolutely no. No. It doesn't have to be related.
Ariana: Cognitive dissonance is not your friend. [laughter]
Janel: Well okay then.
Ariana: Thatâs my takeaway from the last year. [laugh]
Janel: I agree.
Ariana: Melinda, what's your takeaway?
Melinda: My takeaway from the last year. I really think that whole phrase of âif they wanted to they wouldâ
Janel: Oh, that's so good.
Melinda: With all the situations. And the problem is that it doesn't just apply to like, I know right now it's online it's popular to use for like talking about your boyfriend doingâlike if you have a boyfriend thatâs not doing good, if he wanted to he would. But at the same time, abusers will also, if they want to, they will.
Janel: Yeah.
Melinda: It goes both ways. People will do what they want to do. It's just a matter of actually understanding what people want.
Janel: Right.
Melinda: Because it will affect you.
Janel: And that right there, that is beautiful encapsulation, what I call The 14 Layers of Authenticity, which is basically how humans develop. It's how children develop. How we define our principles. And just the science behind how we live. But yeah, if we wanted to, we would. And for some of us, we simply don't know what the âwouldâ would like because we've been shamed into not being our authentic selves. For abusers, they want what they want. And for those of us who are really wrestling to reclaim who we are, and make peace with our story, there is putting back those layers of authenticity, and understanding our values, and our priorities, and how to set boundaries. How to be playful. And how to be fun. And getting that moment where we are to get to be healthy.
Janel: So we're out of time but we wanted to say hi and check in and let you know what we've been up to. So until next week.
Janel voiceover: [music] Thanks so much for joining us today! Iâm Janel Guevara. I hope you caught a glimmer of hope, a glimpse of possibility, and a sprinkle of fairy dust. Join us next time when we take another step towards Transforming Your Story.
Janel voiceover: Content for educational purposes only. Our stories are not your stories Please be cautious and contact your local domestic violence hotline if you need support. [music ends]
